Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing
by Triad Card 844A
Summary: Vincent Valentine runs his own show were he takes tourists to famous Final Fantasy places, but chaos insues as characters from all over meet in places like the Gold Saucer, Cosmo Canyon, Fanatic's Tower, and Esthar! Chapter 4 is up! Now with Esthar!
1. Ch1 Part 1: Arriving at the Gold Saucer

Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing  
  
By Triad Card 844A  
  
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Final Fantasy. (grumble grumble grumble)  
  
  
  
********************************  
Episode 1: The Gold Saucer (Part 1)  
********************************  
  
Vincent: Hello, I am Vincent Valentine, and this is my new show, Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing. Basically, I have to take a group of tourists on a tour of some famous Final Fantasy place. Today, we are going to the Gold Saucer, and here are our guests for tonight!  
  
Mysterious Announcer: Whaa haa haa haa! Today, we have five tourists out to have a good time. Let's meet them, shall we? First up is Locke Cole of Final Fantasy VI. He is native to Kolingen, but is here on this show for his first vacation in twenty years, unless you count searching the world for treasures a vacation! After all, his profession is "Thief".  
  
Locke: That's treasure hunter, you moron!  
  
Mysterious Announcer: Well, what are you going to do to me?  
  
Locke: I'll rip your lungs out!  
  
Mysterious Announcer: I'd like to see you try! You can't even see me! I'm only a mysterious voice projecting across this fanfic!  
  
Locke: (grumble)  
  
Mysterious Announcer: Anyways, here's our next tourist. He was once a supervillain, and probably still is, a man who tried to destroy the world with a large rock, but was stopped by a kid with a way-too-big sword, here is Sephiroth!  
  
Sephiroth: I decided that I need a vacation before trying to destroy the world again.  
  
Mysterious Announcer: Next up is a hyperactive teenager on a caffeine diet, but his friends are still petitioning for a hot dog one as well, please welcome Zell!  
  
Zell: Got any hot dogs?  
  
Vincent: They're over there on the counter, just help yourself.  
  
Zell: Yay!  
  
Mysterious Announcer: Our next guest was once killed by a crazed maniac with a cheap sword, but was once again revived, to the joy or dismay of many happy or angry fans, here is Aeris!  
  
Aeris: Hey, what are you doing here?  
  
Sephiroth: Well now, I'm just here for a trip to the Gold Saucer.  
  
Aeris: Jerk! I still have to pay you back for killing me!  
  
Vincent: Stop that! I can't have you two ruining my show on it's first episode!  
  
Mysterious Announcer: And finally, we have a tourist whom the author can't think of a reason to bring onto the show, but decided to anyway. Let's welcome Celes!  
  
Locke: I didn't know you were going to be here!  
  
Celes: Well, the author simply chose slots on who should be in this fic. Just shows how unorganized he is.  
  
Locke: (blush)  
  
Vincent: Anyway, let's all get into the Highwind and fly over to the Gold Saucer. Thankfully, it's not far from here . . . .   
  
*****************  
20 hours later . . . .  
*****************  
  
Vincent: Well, it was a long trip, but we finally made it. Cid! You just had to make a pit stop at Wutai, didn't you?  
  
Cid: How was I suppose to *&^%@# know that a ^%$@$* Andamantaimai was going to sit on the wings of the ship?  
  
Vincent: Maybe if you just remembered to clean the wings of all those nachos that Cloud and Barret left behind on the wing, we would have made it here much earlier.  
  
Cid: Hey, even if I did, it wasn't my fault that the %^$& % Rapps had to kidnap Celes and Aeris and that we had to hunt it down at Dao Chao.   
  
Zell: Um, can we just go to the Gold Saucer already?  
  
Vincent: Fine. Cid, guard the Highwind. If the Ruby WEAPON attacks, well, I won't be held responsible in any way.  
  
Cid: ^%#&%*%^#&%^^%#&%*^#$%^%&*^$&#$#^%$@@%&^^%&!!!!  
  
Vincent: And Cid, remember that this is public fanfiction. We can't show language like that.  
  
*******************  
10 minutes later . . . .  
*******************  
  
Vincent: And now, we are at the Gold Saucer, were we can all spend a great two days together. I hope you all remembered to bring 3000 gil each for your tickets.  
  
Zell: Um, you never told us that.  
  
Sephiroth: Yeah, I left my wallet at home.  
  
Vincent: Well then, we must fight a few enemies first to gain the money.  
  
Zell: I've been thinking, just where do all these enemies keep their gil? And what do they need them for? Do Flapbeats need cash to buy those flying sickles? Do Cactaurs store gil instead of water inside them?  
  
(Silence . . . . )  
  
Locke: Let's forget about that.  
  
****************  
6 hours later . . . .  
****************  
  
Vincent: Finally, we all have enough gil to buy a ticket and some GP and everything!  
  
Zell: 'Bout time!   
  
Aeris: Let's hurry this up! I don't want to spend another minute fighting with Ancient Hairdo over here.  
  
Sephiroth: Hey, this is the way my hair always is! I can't cut it down, nor will it ever grow. It's what happens to Ancients!  
  
Aeris: Then how come my hair still grows?  
  
Sephiroth: Um, my hair was involved in an accident when Proffesor Gast spilled some strange liquid on it.  
  
Aeris: No wonder why your hair reeks.  
  
Sephiroth: You idiot! If this weren't public fanfiction, I would slaughter you right now!  
  
Celes: Will you two shut up?!   
  
Vincent: So, we shall enter the Gold Saucer!  
  
*******************  
15 minutes later . . . .  
*******************  
  
Celes: It's a shame that we have spent so much time with our antics, that it is night already.  
  
Vincent: Don't worry, I already booked us for the Ghost Hotel, where we will be spending the night. You each will be getting your own rooms. Be sure to get plenty of sleep, as tomorrow will be our only full day here, due to the fact that we have wasted so much time.  
  
Locke: How can anyone enjoy this place? Who decorated this place, an undertaker?  
  
Zell: Yeah, Halloween was five minutes ago.  
  
******************  
Later that night . . . .  
******************  
  
(Aeris is staying up late, watching scary movies, when suddenly someone knocks on the door)  
  
Aeris: Who could it be at this hour? **opens door**  
  
Sephiroth: It is I, the great Sephiroth! And I shall do something very shocking!  
  
********************************************************************************************************  
  
What could Sephiroth be up to? Find out after this commercial break!  
  
********************************************************************************************************  
  
(commercial 1:)  
  
Clown paint - 450 gil  
  
Annoying Laugh School - 4,000 gil  
  
"Dancing Mad" Theme Song - 100,000 gil  
  
Being one of the most successful and hated Final Fantasy villains - Priceless  
  
There are some things that gil can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterVillain Card. The only card accepted when you rule the world.  
  
(commercial 2:)  
  
Announcer: It's epic! It's amazing! It's . . . . . The Summoners/Monsters/Trainers Tournament! See many summoners and such take part in a huge tournament! See your favorite summons, such as Bahamut, Thorn Elemental, and the Windy card! It's so pointless it's funny!  
  
Pikachu: Pika Pika?  
  
Announcer: And oh yeah, see Pikachu get killed by Bahamut, Alexander, and Odin! Only in the Summoners/Monsters/Trainers Tournament! (yeah, it's low advertising my own story on this, but I'm getting so few reviews that I just can't continue)  
  
(commercial 3:)  
  
Colonel Sanders: Welcome to KFC, the only fast food restaurant in the whole Final Fantasy World! Try my new popcorn chicken, made from real tender chicken strips!  
  
BOOM!  
  
(An angry storm of Cockatrices burst in)  
  
Cockatrice A: There he is!  
  
Cockatrice B: Get him!  
  
Cockatrice C: Destroy!  
  
Colonel Sanders: This could get ugly . . . . . Cut!  
  
Cockatrice B: We already ate your cameramen!  
  
Cockatrice A: They were delicious!  
  
Colonel Sanders: Um, we are experiencing some technical difficulties here . . . .  
  
(end of commercial break)  
  
********************************************************************************************************  
(when we last left, Sephiroth has just appeared at Aeris's door)  
  
Sephiroth: Aeris, will you go out on a date with me?  
  
Aeris: No, you jerk! In case you have already forgotten, you killed me before.  
  
Sephiroth: But that was all in the past! Can't you forget about the past?  
  
Aeris: Idiot! Why do you want to go out with me, anyway?  
  
Sephiroth: What other way is there to replenish the Ancient race?  
  
Aeris: (really, really, really shocked) You &%$#^*&%^&%$^%!!!! **slams door**  
  
Sephiroth: That's it! I shall devote the rest of my vacation to killing that Ancient! Who cares if the race becomes extinct anyway?  
  
Suspenseful Music: Duh, duh, duh!!!  
  
************************  
End of Part 1 of Episode 1  
************************  
  
What will Sephiroth have in store for Aeris? Will Cid get attacked by the Ruby WEAPON? And how long has Zell gone without any hot dogs? Stay tuned for part 2!!!!!  
  
Suspenseful Music: Duh, duh, duh!!! 


	2. Ch1 Part 2: Cele's Opera: With a twist!

Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing  
  
By Triad Card 844A  
  
Disclaimer: In case of some odd reason that you did not read my disclaimer in the last chapter, here it is again:  
  
I do not own Final Fantasy! Ta da!  
  
(audience applause)  
  
  
  
********************************  
Episode 2: The Gold Saucer (Part 2)  
********************************  
  
Vincent Valentine: Welcome back to my show. Today, we are going to see even more antics as we follow Locke, Celes, Sephiroth, Aeris, and Zell around the Gold Saucer. What they don't know is that we have hidden cameras videotaping their entire trip. Yes, we even got the part where Sephiroth asked Aeris out in the last episode. Hmmm, that could be good for some blackmail . . . . .  
  
********************  
The next morning . . . .  
********************  
  
Vincent: Did you all sleep well? I especially enjoyed the coffin that I ordered for my room.  
  
Zell: Who cares about that? Where are the hot dogs?  
  
Vincent: Over there, right next to the counter.  
  
Zell: YIPPEE!!!!!! **goes eat hot dogs**  
  
Vincent: Anyway, I was able to get some connections and I got three of you to star in a play for the Gold Saucer show.  
  
Locke: Which show?  
  
Vincent: It's an Opera about a girl named Maria and a guy named Draco.  
  
Celes: Does it by any chance have a song that goes "Oh my hero, so far away now, will I ever see your smile? Love goes away, like night into day, it's all a fading dream."  
  
Vincent: Why yes, of course.  
  
Locke: Oh, we've already been in that play.  
  
Vincent: Then why don't we let Aeris, Sephiroth, and Zell star in it?  
  
Locke: Great, we can watch the whole play without a purple octapus trying to sabatoge it!  
  
Vincent: Hmm?  
  
Locke: Never mind.  
  
**********************  
At the casting office . . . .  
**********************  
  
Director: So, which one of you will play each part?  
  
Aeris: I guess I'll have to play Maria.  
  
Director: Then we'll draw slots for the role of Draco. **holds out a hat with two slips of paper in it**  
  
Vincent: **reaches in**  
  
Aeris: **thinks: Please not Sephiroth, please not Sephiroth, please not Sephiroth . . . .**  
  
Zell: **thinks: I wonder if there will be a hot dog vendor here?**  
  
Vincent: And the part of Draco will be played by Sephiroth! Which means that Zell plays the evil Prince Ralse!  
  
Aeris: Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Have any of you realized that I have yet to talk in this entire chaper?  
  
Aeris: Who cares, jerk?  
  
****************  
At rehearsal . . . .  
****************  
  
Director: Places, people! We need to practice! The performance will be in only fifteen minutes!  
  
Aeris: But we were just asigned our parts three minutes ago!  
  
Director: That's why you should hurry!  
  
Cameraman: Remember, this will be broadcasted world wide, and also in a few other dimensions, so we need to be the best that we can be!  
  
Aeris: Hmm, this will be a great opportunity to pledge my love to Cloud worldwide!  
  
Aeris/Cloud shippers: Yay!!!!  
  
Tifa/Cloud shippers: Booo!!!!  
  
****************************  
Just before the show starts . . . .  
****************************  
  
Aeris: **in white dress** Does this dress make me look fat?  
  
Director: What answer do you wish for me to give?  
  
Aeris: You've never had a girlfriend, have you?  
  
Director: Don't forget to check the script!  
  
Aeris: **reading script** Hmm? What's this? Let's see . . . .  
"Oh my hero, so far away now.  
Will I ever see your smile?  
Love goes away, like night into day.  
It's just a fading dream.  
I'm the darkness, you're the stars.  
Our love is brighter than the sun.  
For eternity, for me there can be,  
Only you, my chosen one . . .  
Must I forget you? Our solemn promise?  
Will autumn take the place of spring?  
What shall I do? I'm lost without you.  
Speak to me once more!  
  
We must part now, my life goes on.  
but my heart won't give you up.  
Ere I walk away, let me hear you say.  
I meant as much to you . . . .  
So gently, you touched my heart.  
I will be forever yours.  
Come what may, I won't age a day,  
I'll wait for you, always . . ."  
  
Aeris: What kind of song is this? It's time for some revision to show my love for Cloud . . . . I wonder why this was never even mentioned in the first chapter? Oh well . . . . **takes out pen**  
  
******************************  
And now . . . . . . . . the play starts  
******************************  
  
Narrator: "The West and East are waging war . . .  
Draco, the West's great hero, thinks of his love, Maria.  
Is she safe? Is she waiting?"  
  
Sephiroth (Draco): "Oh Maria!  
Oh Maria!  
Please, hear my voice!  
How I long to kill - I mean - be with you!"  
  
Narrator: "The forces of the West fell,  
and Maria's castle was taken.  
Prince Ralse, of the East,  
took her hand by force,  
but she never stopped yearning for Draco . . ."  
  
(on top of the fake castle prop)  
  
Aeris (Maria): "Oh my hero, so far away now.  
Will I ever see your scorn?  
Love goes away, like METEOR into the Lifestream.  
It's just a fading dream.  
I'm the junction slots, you're the materia.  
Our love is brighter than the sun.  
For eternity, for me there can be,  
Only you, my chosen one . . .  
Must I forget you? Our solemn promise?  
Will North Corel take the place of Costa Del Sol?  
What shall I do? I'm lost without you.  
Speak to me once more!"  
  
Sephiroth (Draco): **appears on the fake castle prop** Come, follow my lead!  
  
Aeris (Maria): As if, idiot!  
  
Sephiroth (Draco): Don't make me use the Masamune . . . . .  
  
Aeris (Maria): Shut up! People are already staring!  
  
Sephiroth (Draco): But I'm not the one who started it!  
  
Aeris (Maria): Quiet! Just let me finish my song!  
  
Sephiroth (Draco): Okay, I'm out of here. **exits stage left**  
  
Aeris (Maria): "We must part now, my life is over.  
but my heart won't give you up.  
Somehow, someday, I'll be back this way.  
I shall be revived somehow . . . .  
So painfully, I was stabbed.  
I was really, really pissed off.  
Come what may, I won't age a day,  
I'll be back, from the dead . . ."  
  
Actor who plays the Chancellor: "Come, the West has fallen. We have adopted the spirit of the East!"  
  
(Now we are in the ballroom of the fake castle. Aeris and Zell (Prince Ralse) are dancing)  
  
Soldier actor 1: "Attack!"  
  
Soldier actor 2: "The West lives on!"  
  
Sephiroth (Draco): "I have (unwillingly) come for you, Maria!"  
  
Zell (Ralse): "You must get past me first! It's a duel!"  
  
Sephiroth (Draco): "Fine with me! SUPERNOVA!!!!"  
  
The summoned beast comes and uses the sun to blow up half of the stage, as well as rendering Zell unconscious.  
  
Sephiroth (Draco): "Fool! I am the good guy in this story! I am not suppose to lose no matter how stupid I am!"  
  
Aeris (Maria): "Seph - I mean - Draco, I hope you're not going to get all mushy on this scene.  
  
Sephiroth (Not exactly acting like Draco anymore): Actually, I really want to go out with you, seriously, not just to kill you.   
  
Aeris (Not acting like Maria either): Sorry, but I still like Cloud better, and I still think that you are a jerk.  
  
Sephiroth: But if you think about it, aren't Cloud and Zack and I all the same? We are all clones of some sort, and our lives and personalities are still similar.  
  
Aeris: Well . . . . .  
  
Sephiroth: All three of us and countless others are connected by the legacy of Shinra, so if you can love one, then you can love another as well.  
  
Aeris: But . . . . .  
  
Sephiroth: We are the last two ancients. We were made for each other.  
  
Aeris: Still . . . .  
  
Sephiroth: And I didn't mean to kill you. I was really trying to kill that *^%#& Tifa.   
  
Aeris: Really?  
  
Sephiroth: Of course. My sword just slipped.  
  
Aeris: Honestly?  
  
Sephiroth: Honestly and truly.  
  
Aeris: Aww . . . . well . . . . .  
  
********************************************************************************************************  
Is this the end of one relationship and the beginning of another? Stay tuned and find out after these commercials!  
********************************************************************************************************  
  
(commercial 1)  
  
Seal Materia: 6,000 gil  
  
Steal Materia: 5,000 gil  
  
Ultima Materia: 50,000 gil  
  
Finally beating that stupid Emerald WEAPON and getting all the mastered materia: Priceless  
  
There are spells that you just can't cast. For everything else, there's Mastered Materia, the materia that lets you cast everything. Whoopee!!!  
  
(commercial 2)  
  
Announcer: Are you a member of an RPG game? If so, please join the RPG Guild Arena, where people from all over join together. There's the Heroic Swordsman Guild:  
  
Cloud: So, are there any additions to our new rule for requiring all swords to be at least three feet long?  
  
Tidus: I move to add junction slots to all swords made after the year 2003.  
  
Link: I second the motion.  
  
Cloud: Very well then. Do you wish to say anything, Crono?  
  
Crono: . . . . . .  
  
Cloud: What about you, Squall?  
  
Squall: Whatever . . .   
  
Cloud: Then it's agreed. The bill is passed.  
  
Announcer: Or the Sorceress' Guild:  
  
Aeris: I petition for a law proclaiming that evil swordsmen may no longer stab girls while they are praying.  
  
Angela: I second the motion.  
  
Rinoa: I wish to amend by addition that no evil swordsman may come within ten feet of a sorceress during battles with other sorceresses.  
  
Terra: I second that motion.  
  
Aeris: Are there any objections?  
  
Celes: What if all this messes up with the plot of the story?  
  
Garnet: Why don't we just fire the author and hire a new one?  
  
Celes: Very well then.  
  
Aeris: Then it's agreed. The motion is sustained.  
  
Announcer: Or even the Wimpy Little Girl Who's In The Game For Some Unknown Reason Guild:  
  
Relm: I call for a motion to remove the term "Wimpy" from our guild name. All opposed say "nay".  
  
Eiko: "nay"  
  
Cara: "nay"  
  
Carlie: "nay"  
  
Rydia: "nay"  
  
Relm: What? What's wrong with all you girls???  
  
Announcer: So stop by your local dimensional community center and sign up today!  
  
(end of commercial break)  
  
********************************************************************************************************  
When we last left, Aeris and Sephiroth were finally starting to understand each other.  
  
Aeris: Well, I suppose you're right. I could love you.  
  
Sephiroth: I've never met anyone like you before.  
  
Aeris: **looks into his eyes**  
  
Sephiroth: **looks into her eyes**  
  
Tifa/Cloud Shippers: Aww . . . . .  
  
Aeris/Cloud Shippers: Boo!!!  
  
Sephiroth: **takes out masamune** Oh, by the way . . . .  
  
Aeris: What?  
  
Sephiroth: Here, catch! **throws masamune at Aeris**  
  
Aeris: Huh?   
  
**the masamune impales Aeris again, continues to fly and ends up also impaling the hot dog vendor**  
  
Aeris: **looks down at sword in her** Not again! Sephiroth . . . . yoouuuu jjjjeeeeeerrrrrr . . . . . **dies**  
  
Sephiroth: **looks up and smirks** Well, what did you expect me to do?  
  
Tifa/Cloud Shippers: Yay!!!!!  
  
Aeris/Cloud Shippers: Boo!!!!!  
  
Zell: **regains consciousness and realises what is happening** SEPHIROTH!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??!!!  
  
Sephiroth: What, you mean killing Aeris?  
  
Zell: NO, I MEAN KILLING THE HOT DOG VENDER!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: But . . . . .  
  
Zell: THAT'S IT!!! YOU DIE NOW!!! ULTIMATE LIMIT BREAK!!! MY FINAL HEAVEN!!!  
  
**Zell performes the My Final Heaven limit and blasts the remaining half of the stage, as well as sending Sephiroth flying out of the Gold Saucer**  
  
Zell: That'll teach him to mess with hot dogs. Precious hot dogs!!!  
  
**suddenly, Triad Card 844A appears on the stage**  
  
Triad Card 844A: Tsk Tsk Tsk . . . . I can't have Aeris dead right now!  
  
Vincent: You're damn right! This will so ruin the show!  
  
Locke: See? That's what would have happened if I hadn't saved you from the purple octopus.  
  
Celes: You mean I'd have a sword through my stomach?  
  
Locke: Well, not exactly.  
  
Triad Card 844A: Well, I guess I'll have to use my magical author powers to bring her back. **uses magical author powers to bring Aeris back**  
  
Aeris: **awaking again** That jerk!!! Wait till I get him next time! Hey, why do I still have the masamune sticking through me? Uh, I don't feel so good . . . . **dies again**  
  
Triad Card 844A: Whoops, I guess I forgot to remove the sword first. **removes sword, then revives Aeris again**  
  
Aeris: **awaking once again** Okay now, it's war, Sephiroth!  
  
*********************  
End of Chapter 1 part 2  
*********************  
  
What will Aeris do to Sephiroth now? Has Zell truly avenged the Hot Dog Vender? And what has become of Cid, still back at the Highwind? Find out in the next part of Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing!!! 


	3. Ch1 Part 3: In which Sephiroth gets beat...

Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda, and so on.  
  
Note: Now I shall start self-inserting myself into my story! Hey, self-insertion seems to be all the rage around here, so I thought "why not?". I will go by the name of Nexis Parallax, as I have spent so much time thinking of the perfect version of me if I were a Final Fantasy VII character. Here are my stats:  
  
Name: Nexis Parallax  
Weapon: Rod  
Ultimate weapon and description: "Destiny's Call", a rod with a small sphere encrusted with thorns on top. It glows a different color with each element that I use.  
Limits:  
  
Lvl 1:  
Shadow Rod: Simply does double the damage of my regular attack.  
Time Eclipse: Cast haste on allies and slow on enemies.  
Lvl 2:  
Thunder's Gate: Lightning damage to all enemies.  
Drain Light: Steal HP/MP.  
Lvl 3:  
Storm Vortex: Hits twice, once for Water damage and once for Lightning damage.  
Prism Shards: Hits five times with non-elemental damage, then casts Reflect on all allies and enemies.  
Lvl 4:  
Rainbow Metamorphasis: Hits seven times, each time with a different element: Fire, Earth, Lightning, Poison, Ice, Water, and Wind, in that order.  
  
Hope that didn't bore you. Now let's start the story!  
  
********************************  
Episode 3: The Gold Saucer (Part 3)  
********************************  
  
When we last left our little "heroes", Aeris was swearing revenge on Sephiroth.  
  
Aeris: I'm swearing revenge on Sephiroth!  
  
Vincent: Yeah, that's great . . . .  
  
Aeris: No seriously, I shall get him back so hard!  
  
Vincent: Whatever . . . .  
  
Zell: Precious hot dogs, come to me! (starts eating hot dogs)  
  
Vincent: Zell, chew, then swallow.  
  
Celes: Have you noticed that we have nearly no lines at all?  
  
Locke: Hey, you're right! That's unfair!  
  
Celes: Then let's go do something for a change so that the author has to write us in!  
  
***********************  
At the Speed Square . . . .   
***********************  
  
Locke: Yay, we get to do something for a change!  
  
Ticket lady: Please enjoy the ride. Your goal is to go BANG BANG and make things go BOOM BOOM while going VROOM VROOM.  
  
Celes: Ok, that was weird. Oh well, let's start the ride.  
  
Locke: (with the gun) Wheeeeeee!!! Bang! Bang! Bang!  
  
Celes: Oh gee, so typical of the male race.  
  
Locke: Die UFO! Die Lava Rock! Die little balloon! Die guy who is operating the ride!  
  
Celes: Um, Locke, if you just killed the man who is controlling the ride, then who will control the ride?  
  
Locke: Good question.  
  
Meanwhile, the dead operator slumps onto the "fast" button, sending the coaster into overdrive.  
  
Locke and Celes: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vincent walks into Speed Square.  
  
Vincent: Did I just hear someone scream?  
  
Locke and Celes: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vincent: Hmmm, guess I did.   
  
Locke: Help us!  
  
Vincent: Gee, I wish I could, but how do you operate the coaster?  
  
Celes: Try the off button!  
  
Vincent: Let's see, which is the off button . . . .  
  
Locke: It's the red one!  
  
Vincent: Hmm, let's see. How about this one? **presses the red button**  
  
Operating machine: The red button is currently broken. Please have a good day.  
  
Vincent: Oh, now how am I suppose to stop the ride?  
  
***********************************  
Meanwhile, let's check in on Aeris . . . .  
***********************************  
  
Aeris: Now how should I get back at Sephiroth? Maybe I can just beat him up real badly. No, I should humiliate him instead! I've got just the plan! **pulls out cell phone and starts dialing** Hello?  
  
Voice on phone: Oh, hi Aeris! What do you need today?  
  
Aeris: Oh, nothing, I just need a little favor of our group today.  
  
Voice on phone: What for?  
  
Aeris: There is a certain jerk that I wish to have humiliated. I'm at the Gold Saucer right now. Can you come?  
  
Voice on phone: No problem. We shall be there in one hour.  
  
Aeris: Excellent. Everything goes according to plan . . . .  
  
**********************  
Now let's go to Zell . . . .  
**********************  
  
Zell: I'm eating hot dogs, I'm eating hot dogs, oh how I love to eat hot dogs . . . .  
  
********************************************************  
Um, never mind that. Now let's just see where Sephiroth is . . . .  
********************************************************  
  
Out in the desert . . . .  
  
Sephiroth: That stupid spiky-haired idiot! To think that he defeated the great Sephiroth!  
  
Sephiroth's Mind: That wouldn't be the first time . . . .  
  
Sephiroth: Shut up! Who asked you?  
  
Sephiroth's Mind: No one. I am just here to annoy you.  
  
Sephiroth: Annoy this! **punches his head** Ow, that hurt!  
  
Sephiroth's Mind: Ha ha! I shall haunt you forevermore!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh yeah? We'll just see about that! Let's see if you can handle this!  
  
Sephiroth's Mind: What are you doing?  
  
Sephiroth: I'm thinking of all the most stupid thoughts I could come up with.  
  
Sephiroth's Mind: And how is that going to hurt me?  
  
Sephiroth: You'll see . . . .  
  
Sephiroth's Mind: Ha, what do you think you could do to me? I - Ahhhh!!! What are you doing? I'm going to . . . . to . . . . to . . . . .  
  
Sephiroth: There, all better?  
  
Sephiroth's Mind: Uh . . . . Duh . . . . Huh . . . .  
  
Sephiroth: Talk about a brain drain. Hey, if that's my mind, then why am I still sane?  
  
Suddenly, Hojo comes flying down from the sky.  
  
Hojo: Because you actually have two minds. One is JENOVA's, and the other is yours. The one that you've destroyed is the JEVOVA mind, now gone haywire because JENOVA was destroyed.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh. But still, I am going to destroy you right now.  
  
Hojo: (Darth Vader style) Sephiroth, I am your father.  
  
Sephiroth: No duh! **The masamune flies from where it was left in the Gold Saucer and impales Hojo**  
  
Hojo: You may have killed me, but I still have fourteen other clones out there, somewhere! **dies**  
  
Sephiroth: Now was that just the most pointless peice of garbage you have ever read? **heads back to the Gold Saucer**  
  
**************************  
Back at the Gold Saucer . . . .  
**************************  
  
Sephiroth: Now that I have finally gotten back, I think that I shall go and fight a bit at the Battle Square. **goes to Battle Square**  
  
Ticket lady: Welcome. You shall fight eight little pointless and incredibly easy battles. However, we shall inflict you with as many handicaps as we possibly can to make your process much harder and amazingly annoying.  
  
Sephiroth: Hm, sounds like fun. **goes in**  
  
Aeris: Hey, it's about time you've shown up! I've been waiting for half an hour here.  
  
Sephiroth: Aeris, what are you doing here?  
  
Aeris: I have come to finally get revenge for what you did yesterday at the opera!   
  
Sephiroth: You wish! What is a little girl going to do to stop the all mighty Sephiroth? Not even an entire army of little girls are going to stop me!  
  
Aeris: Funny you should mention that . . . .  
  
Sephiroth: What?  
  
Aeris: Oh girls, come out now . . . . .  
  
********************************************************************************************************  
What is it that Aeris is planning? Oh come on, you should have guessed it by now. Well, just stay tuned until after the commercial break!  
********************************************************************************************************  
  
(commercial 1)  
  
Announcer: Hi, welcome to the home shopping network. Today we feature a beautiful hand-crafted sword called the "Ultima Weapon". And afterwards, we shall show you our other one-of-a-kind merchandise.  
  
Hostess: That's right, Ted. We also have a lovely "Premium Heart" glove and a beautiful rod known as the "Princess Guard". Tune in at six o-clock today for more items, including the "Venus Gospel", "Death Penalty", "Limited Moon", and more!  
  
Cloud: **breaks in** Hey you! Give us back our stuff!  
  
Announcer: Um, just tune in and hopefully you'll see us with all of our body limbs attached.  
  
Cloud: Oh, I'm afraid that won't happen. **chops off the Announcer's arm with the Heaven's Cloud sword**  
  
Hostess: Ok, we are experiencing some technical difficulties. If you would excuse us for a moment.  
  
Cloud: Excuse this! **impales the Hostess with the Ragnarok**  
  
Cloud: Now this show is under my control! Who wants to buy this lovely "Atma Weapon" sword?  
  
(commercial 2)  
  
A Different Announcer: Have you always wanted to win it big at the Chocobo Races, but just couldn't do it?  
  
Random Person: Well, not really . . . .  
  
A Different Announcer: Well, you've come to the right place! At Bargain Bill's Chocobo Ranch, we offer many, many Chocobos for you to buy, ride, and win!  
  
Random Person: But isn't it true that the chocobos around the ranch are all poor classed chocobos?  
  
A Different Announcer: Why, no.  
  
Random Person: But I've always heard that the chocobos around Mideel, Rocket Town, and Icicle Inn were much stronger.  
  
A Different Announcer: Hey, kid, just stick to the script.  
  
Random Person: But the world deserves to hear the truth!  
  
A Different Announcer: Oh, just end the commercial now! We're losing a lot of good publicity!  
  
(End of Commercial Break)  
  
********************************************************************************************************  
  
Sephiroth: What, why did you bring all your little friends over here?  
  
Aeris: Oh, these are just the members of my Sorceress' Guild. (author's note: remember, the commercial in Chapter 2?)  
  
Aeris: There's Terra from FF VI, and over there is Rinoa of FF VIII, and there's also Garnet of FF IX, and here is Lucca and Marle from Chrono Trigger, and there's even Lulu and Yuna of FF X.  
  
Sephiroth: And what do you plan to do to me.  
  
Aeris: Oh, we just plan to beat you up and humiliate you in front of everyone.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh really?  
  
Terra: Yeah, we've heard a lot about you, Sephiroth. Is it true that you stab defenseless girls in the back while they are praying?  
  
Sephiroth: Do I ever!  
  
Terra: Well, in that case . . . . **draws out Atma Weapon**  
  
Rinoa: Yes, I agree. **takes out Shooting Star**  
  
Sephiroth: Hey, just because I stabbed Aeris doesn't mean that I will stab you all as well.  
  
Aeris: Please! What a totally rediculous argument! **pulls out Princess Guard**  
  
Sephiroth: You know, you're just wasting time pulling out all of your weapons one by one.  
  
Lulu: He's right! We should all just attack him right now! **starts hitting Sephiroth with a Cactaur doll**  
  
Sephiroth: Hey, that hurts! Those thorns are sharp!  
  
Lulu: Oh come on, those thorns are made of rubber!  
  
Sephiroth: But their all so pointy . . . .  
  
Garnet: You mean as opposed to your pointless life before our hands?  
  
Sephiroth: I'm not afraid of a bunch of little sissies!  
  
Yuna: Oh dear, that means that we will have to do something quite unpleseant to you.  
  
Marle: Let's get' em, girls!  
  
********************  
Half an hour later . . . .  
********************  
  
Sephiroth is now completely bruised and beaten, and is now tied onto a pole and being carried around the Gold Saucer by the Sorceress' Guild. A huge sign hangs above him that says, "I, the great Sephiroth, have been beaten and humiliated by a bunch of little girls. Please feel free to make fun of me."  
  
Random Guy #1: Hey, it's the guy who tried to destroy the world with METEOR! Let's get him, fellas!  
  
Random Guy #2: I want to kick his ribs!  
  
Random Guy #3: I want to punch his face!  
  
Random Guy #4: I want to rip out his hair!  
  
Sephiroth: No! Not my hair! Anything but my hair!  
  
After two fun-filled hours of patrolling the Gold Saucer with their little Sephiroth trophy, the girls got tired of hauling him around.  
  
Terra: Sephiroth, you really need to lose some weight.  
  
Sephiroth: I hardly think that I am fat.  
  
Lucca: It's a shame that we had to do this to you. After all, you are kind of cute.  
  
Everyone except Lucca: WHAT?  
  
Lucca: Well, he is.  
  
*****************************************************  
Now we finally turn back to Celes, Locke, and Vincent . . . .  
*****************************************************  
  
Celes: Vincent! Find a way to save us!  
  
Locke: While we are up here, I suppose I'll just start shooting more little targets.  
  
Vincent: Don't worry, I have an idea! I'll be right back! **runs off**  
  
Celes: Oh, he better hurry!  
  
Vincent: **comes bursting in with a black Chocobo** I've convinced Joe to let me borrow his Black Chocobo, Teioh! I'll catch up to you somehow! **runs off at top speed**  
  
Vincent: Some cowboy music would be really cool now.  
  
Cowboy music starts playing.  
  
Vincent: **takes out a rifle** Yee Haw!  
  
Celes: Come on, this is not funny!  
  
Vincent: Ok, I'll just make one shot. **fires a shot at the wall**  
  
The bullet bounces off the wall, hits a rail switch to change the rails of the coaster, cuts off a lead weight off the ceiling that falls down the rails and bends it into a downwards hill, and also hits a sandbag, which spills over the rails to cause friction, slowing the cart to a halt along the rails.   
  
Celes: Vincent! You did it!  
  
Vincent: Did what? All I did was fire at random.  
  
Celes: Um, never mind.  
  
Ticket lady: Congradulations, Locke. You have the high score here!  
  
Locke: All right!  
  
Ticket lady: As a prize, you may have either a fierce and deadly battle spear, or this lovely pink umbrella.  
  
Celes: Oh, I want that umbrella!  
  
Ticket lady: Very well then, here you go.  
  
Celes: Yay!  
  
Vincent: Now we must find Aeris and the others.  
  
Suddenly, Aeris and her little gang storms into the Speed square, carrying Sephiroth, who is still tied up.  
  
Vincent: Ah, there you are! It's almost time to go!  
  
Sephiroth: Yay!  
  
Yuna: Shut up!   
  
Marle: Don't make me send an arrow up your head and impale your brain.  
  
Sephiroth: Don't worry, Hojo just told me that I have two brains.  
  
Everyone: @_@  
  
Sephiroth: What?  
  
Vincent: Now all we need is Zell.  
  
Zell: Hey, I heard that Sephiroth has just been beaten by a bunch of little girls. Is that true?  
  
Sephiroth: Shut up, Chickenwuss!  
  
Zell: That was not nice! Don't make me use my Final Heaven Limit!  
  
Vincent: Ehem, let's just leave now.  
  
Aeris: Hey girls, want to come with?  
  
Lulu: No thanks, I think we shall stay here and relax a bit.  
  
Garnet: I want to try Chocobo racing!  
  
Terra: I want to go to Battle Square!  
  
Lucca: I want to play the shooting game at Speed Square!  
  
Yuna: I thought you wanted to stay with your boyfriend, Sephiroth!  
  
Lucca: He is not my boyfriend! **pulls out WonderShot and fires**  
  
WonderShot: **does 3 points of damage**  
  
Lucca: Stupid &^%#%&^$#% ultimate weapon!  
  
Everyone: **gasps**  
  
Rinoa: Lucca pulled a Cid!  
  
Aeris: Since when did you learn about Cid?  
  
Rinoa: Since Cid Highwind showed up at the front door of the Gold Saucer, right now.  
  
Cid: You &%^#$&%*^ Vincent! Come on and get your little &^$#&%* tourist group! We are *%%$&*&^ going back right now!  
  
Vincent: Fine, let's go.  
  
***********************  
Outside, in the desert . . . .  
***********************  
  
Vincent: Amazing, we've already made it to our ship, and the Ruby Weapon still hasn't struck yet.  
  
Ruby Weapon: Ha ha ha! I shall now destroy you all!  
  
Sephiroth: You little weapon, you think you can destroy the great Sephiroth? I laugh at you! Ha ha ha!  
  
Ruby Weapon: Quicksand!  
  
Sephiroth: Oh no, I'm very, very slowly sinking in quicksand!   
  
Ruby Weapon: Comet 2!  
  
Sephiroth: Ow!  
  
Ruby Weapon: Now I shall kill you all! Comet 2! On Cid!  
  
Cid: You &*%%&$^&$^% Weapon! You shall pay for that!   
  
Ruby Weapon: Ultima!  
  
Locke: Hey, Ultima is suppose to be blue!  
  
Ruby Weapon: No, it's green  
  
Locke: No, it's blue.  
  
Aeris: No, it's green.  
  
Celes: No, it's blue.  
  
Zell: No, it's green.  
  
Locke: No, it's blue.  
  
Vincent: No, it's green.  
  
Celes: No, it's blue. Allow me to demonstrate! Ultima!  
  
Ruby Weapon: You're right, it is blue.  
  
Celes: See?  
  
Ruby Weapon: It doesn't matter, cause I shall now destroy you all! Ultima!  
  
Locke: Aaahhhhhhh!!! We're all dying!  
  
Celes: Vincent, do something!  
  
Vincent: Well, I could always call my manager.  
  
Suddenly, I self-insert myself into the story!   
  
Nexis (as Triad Card 844A): I'm in my own story with a part bigger than ever!  
  
Celes: Then do something!  
  
Nexis: I shall use my Limit Break, Shadow Rod!  
  
Shadow Rod: **Does 24 points of damage**  
  
Cid: What the ^$%^#&%&^$%& was that?  
  
Nexis: Whoa, I need to build up my limits.  
  
Ruby Weapon: Die! Ultima!  
  
Everyone: Ow!  
  
Celes: Well, there's only one thing left for me to do! I must use our only hope to stop the Ruby Weapon.  
  
Vincent: Which is?  
  
Celes: My little pink umbrella! **whacks Ruby Weapon with the Umbrella**  
  
Ruby Weapon: Nnnnnnnnoooooooooo!!!!!!!! How could I be beaten by that little Umbrella!  
  
Cid: How could that *^%%^$^#$^&%*% Umbrella beat the Ruby Weapon?  
  
Aeris: Well, it is my most powerful weapon . . . .  
  
Ruby Weapon: Everything is in a deadly shade of pink! I can't stand it! **dies**  
  
Nexis: I wanted to be the hero!  
  
Vincent: Tough luck, lets go.  
  
Everyone leaves.  
  
Sephiroth: Hey, what about me? I'm still stuck here in the quicksand!  
  
Everyone ignore him.  
  
Sephiroth: Um, guys?  
  
Tumbleweed blows across.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, I'm so lonely.  
  
***************  
End of Episode 3  
***************  
  
That's it for the Gold Saucer Series. Stay tuned for the next episode of Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing!  
  
Nexis: How did I get such a small part! I'm suppose to be the author!  
  
Please Review! 


	4. Ch2 Part 1: Witch Burnings on the Esthar...

Vincent Valentine's Guide to FF Vacationing  
  
Disclaimer: For all those who think that I own Final Fantasy: No, I don't! Wow, what a huge surprise!  
  
Note: Now I shall try to add FF IX into the fray. I still haven't played the game yet, but I have read a lot of stories about it lately, and read about half a dozen guides on it as well. I think I'm prepared.  
  
*****************************************************  
Episode 4: Witch Burnings on the Esthar Continent  
*****************************************************  
  
Vincent: Hello. I am Vincent Valentine, the vampire guy from FF VII. Today, I am going to take my tourists on a trip to Esthar, of FF VIII. Let's meet our guests!  
  
Mysterious Announcer: Whaa haa haa haa! Today, we have a fortune-telling robotic cat and a moogle, a double agent who is so confusing and annoying that many, like the author, prefer to have him shot to death than use him for battle. Please welcome Cait Sith!  
  
Cait Sith: Yeah? Well, your fortune today is looking really bad right now, you announcer!  
  
Mysterious Announcer: I'm sorry, but I don't have time for little crystal balls right now. Anyway, our next guest is a retired Sorceress's Knight who tried to bring about his "romantic dream", here is Seifer Almasy!  
  
Seifer: Hey, Chickenwuss, if you're out there, just look at me insult you on public fanfiction!  
  
Zell: Hey Seifer, I'm right here! And I've got a cold, hard fist with you're name on it!  
  
Seifer: Yeah, sure, Chickenwuss! Do you still cry to your mommy?  
  
Zell: What is it with the stupid name-calling? First you, the Sephiroth, then you again! Just shut up!  
  
Seifer: Aww, is little Chickenwuss gonna cry?  
  
Zell: That's it! My Final Heaven! **creates huge nuclear explosion**  
  
Seifer: Ouch! Well, I guess the Chickenwuss is pretty scrappy!  
  
Mysterious Announcer: Zell, will you please leave the stage? I've still got more people to introduce!  
  
Zell: Fine! **leaves area**  
  
Mysterious Announcer: Ok, so our next two guests are a couple from Alexandria and are the soon-to-be rulers of the kingdom, the boy and girl that defeated the infamous cross-dressing mage, here are Zidane and Garnet!  
  
Zidane: It feels good to be on vacation for the first time in so many years.  
  
Garnet: Some people consider our little journey to be a vacation, you know.  
  
Zidane: No way. During a vacation, one does not have to dodge fire spells and defeat dragons . . . .  
  
Garnet: Don't forget about those annoying Yans.  
  
Zidane: Oh yeah, who could forget the Yans?  
  
Mysterious Announcer: And finally, our last guest is the king of Figaro Castle, who helped his friends defeat yet another cross-dressing mage, a man renowned for his technological genius and his womanizing alike, here is Edgar Roni Figaro!  
  
Edgar: Hi everybody! If you need technological advice and equipment, call this number! **holds up phone number for Figaro Development Inc.** But if you're a young woman, call this number! **holds up private phone number**  
  
Zidane: You know, we have a guy in our game named Cid. You'd get along just fine with him.  
  
Vincent: Excellent. Now that we have everyone here, let's go on our trip. Today we shall take the Ragnarok airship, the most advanced airship in any Final Fantasy game! It's got grappling arms and side-mounted machine guns and even a front-mounted laser cannon!  
  
Mysterious Announcer: That's right! And now, let's meet our pilot, Selphie Tilmit!  
  
Selphie: Hi everybody!!!!!!  
  
Everyone: **covers ears in response to such a loud noise**  
  
Vincent: Due to the . . . er . . . noise difficulties of the trip, we shall issue earmuffs for everyone.  
  
****************************  
Two hours later, at Esthar . . . .  
****************************  
  
Seifer: Wow, we were lucky to have survived with our hearing intact.  
  
Zidane: What?  
  
Seifer: I said, we were lucky to have our hearing intact!  
  
Zidane: Why would I want a tic tac?  
  
Seifer: Never mind.  
  
Vincent: Here we are at the great Esthar capital city. You may wander around this city of high technology. Feel free to visit the shops, try out the lifts, and disturb any delicate experiments being performed.  
  
Edgar: I want to go to the book store! I heard they have a large selection of Weapons Monthly magazines.  
  
Seifer: Yes. You know, why did my Hyperion never make it into one of those issues?  
  
Edgar: Sorry, but the Lionheart was still a better model.  
  
Seifer: Oh come on, you don't really mean that!  
  
Edgar: I do! The Lionheart is a very rare weapon indeed! The blade is sharpened with lasers to exact specifications, so that the razor-thin edge can cut through practically anything. The Pulse Ammo used to load it transfers energy throughout the blade, causing surges of energy to burst through the blade upon contact. And the trigger system has been refined to -  
  
Seifer: Oh shut up, you dolt!  
  
Edgar: Sir, that is an insult to my honor! I challenge you to a duel!  
  
Seifer: Very well then! I'll show you my Hyperion's strength!  
  
Vincent: Hey, guys? Could you please break it up? We have a city to see.  
  
Garnet: Come on, Zidane, let's go on a ride around the city in one of those lifts!  
  
Zidane: Why not? It's no fun hanging around here waiting for those two to stop bickering.  
  
Cait Sith: I shall go to the Presidential Palace and hand out fortunes there!  
  
Seifer: Well, I'll go check out the Odine Laboratory. I heard of a magical Force Armlet there that grants the user a mysterious, unknown power! I want to stea - I mean, admire it.  
  
Vincent: Great! We all know what we are to do. Now, I think I shall make a reservation for the space trip tomorrow.  
  
*******************************************************  
On those lift thing-a-ma-giggies that surround Esthar City . . . .  
*******************************************************  
  
Garnet: Oh Zidane, this is such a good view of the city!  
  
Zidane: Yeah! Look! There's a really cool machine being presented on that walkway over there!  
  
Garnet: Hey, isn't that Edgar standing in front of it?  
  
Zidane: Could be . . . . Hard to tell from this distance.  
  
Garnet: Hey, it's Cait Sith in front of the presidential building!   
  
Zidane: Look! Cait Sith is turning our way! It looks like he is running towards us!  
  
Garnet: Let's wave to him!  
  
Both: **waves**  
  
Garnet: Why isn't he waving back?  
  
Zidane: Hey, there sure are an awful lot of people chasing him . . . . .  
  
Both: **stares at Cait Sith**  
  
Garnet: I never knew that Moogle could run so fast with such small legs.  
  
********************************************  
Meanwhile, down on the road with Cait Sith . . . .  
********************************************  
  
Cait Sith: Look, I'm sorry that my fortunes were so true! How was I suppose to know that the guy who drew the slot that said, "you shall pass away soon" was going to get hit by a car in two minutes?  
  
Man in crowd: You evil little devil cat! You shall die for your witchcraft!  
  
Cait Sith: Gee, for a town with such advanced technology, you'd think that they would have evolved beyond superstitions.  
  
Woman in crowd: Burn him at the stake!  
  
****************************  
Back to Zidane and Garnet . . . .  
****************************  
  
Zidane: Hey look! It's Seifer! And he's got some sort of armlet!  
  
Garnet: Check out how he is flinging everyone around with some sort of telekinesis power!  
  
*******************  
Where Seifer is . . . .  
*******************  
  
Seifer: Ha ha ha ha! I now have the force armlet, and now I command the Force! Now, all I need is a light saber!  
  
**************************  
Zidane and Garnet again . . . .  
**************************  
  
Zidane: Let's get off here. It seems like Cait Sith is in trouble.  
  
Garnet: Here he come right now.  
  
Cait Sith: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!  
  
Man in crowd: Destroy the black cat!  
  
Crowd: **circles around Cait Sith and stabs him with pitchforks**  
  
Garnet: Hey, stop right now!   
  
Zidane: Back off, or you'll start feeling cold steel on your throat!  
  
Crowd: **backs off**  
  
Garnet: Cait Sith, are you hurt?  
  
Cait Sith: I can't feel my tail . . . .  
  
Garnet: Here. **casts Curaga**  
  
Man in crowd: She's a witch! Burn her!  
  
Woman in crowd: Send her to the pit from wence she came!  
  
Crowd: **starts advancing with pitchforks again**  
  
Garnet: Eeeeekkkkkkkkk!!!  
  
Zidane: Get out, all of you! **draws out Ultima Weapon**  
  
Crowd: He must be the Sorceress's Knight!  
  
Zidane: What?  
  
Crowd: Destory him too!  
  
Crowd: **Attacks Zidane, Garnet, and Cait Sith**  
  
Zidane: Die, all of you! You dare hurt the Queen of Alexandria? Grand Lethal!  
  
Edgar: **runs up to them** That's not how you defend a woman! **pulls out Chain Saw and starts hacking away**  
  
Seifer: **flies up using the Force** I believe I shall take this win! I shall use the Force to blow these people away!  
  
Crowd: Run! It's Luke Skywalker!  
  
Seifer: Huh? My name is Seifer Almasy!  
  
Crowd: Hey, he was the former Sorceress's Knight that attack Esthar with the Lunatic Pandora! Destroy him as well!  
  
Seifer: You are no match for me! I have the Force on my side! **blows people away**  
  
Crowd: We're blasting off again! **does the little star-in-the-background exit**  
  
Zidane: Whew. They're gone.  
  
Garnet: Why did they want to hurt me?  
  
Seifer: This town is very hostile towards Sorceresses, every since it was taken over by one, then almost destroyed by another.  
  
Edgar: Come on, Zidane, you call that defending your woman?  
  
Zidane: Hey, careful! You're talking to the #1 player in all of Gaia!  
  
Edgar: You can't even get a girl if you were Orlando Bloom! (did I spell it right?)  
  
Zidane: Why you! You have insulted my honor! I challenge you to a duel!  
  
********************************************************************************************************  
What will happen now that Zidane and Edgar are about to duel? Stay tuned after this commercial break!  
********************************************************************************************************  
  
(commercial 1)  
  
Announcer: Coming to a theater near you, it's "Harry Potter and the Black Materia"! What happens when a crazed Sephiroth and Voldemort summons the METEOR to destroy Hogwarts? This movie has action!  
  
Sephiroth: I shall slice you to bits, you four-eyed kid!  
  
Harry: I shall fight you with the power of the broomstick! **holds up the Firebolt**  
  
Both: **inact the swordfight in the beginning of FF VIII**  
  
Announcer: It's got comedy!  
  
Sephiroth: At last, I've got the Black Materia to summon the METEOR with!  
  
Voldemort: Um, that's just a piece of coal from the campfire. See, it's still smoking and droping ashes on the floor.  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, you're right.  
  
Announcer: It's got drama!  
  
Hermione: **praying**  
  
Sephiroth: **drops down and stabs Hermione, a la Aeris in FF VII**  
  
Harry: Nnnnooooooo!!!!!!!  
  
Announcer: Harry Potter and the Black Materia! In theaters everywhere April 1st!  
  
(commercial 2)  
  
Squall: What is the Force, sir?  
  
Cid Kramer: It is the Force that binds together all living things. It keeps the dark side and the light side.  
  
Squall: Can I use it to blow stuff up?  
  
Cid: Sure!  
  
Announcer: On May 12, come experience the wonder!  
  
Ultimecia: I shall use my Death Sphere to destroy the SeeD base! Kurse all SeeDs! SeeDs kannot be allowed to kontinue their krusade against Sorceresses! Zorn! Thorn! Get my TIE fighter ready!  
  
Zorn: Yes, we shall do so!  
  
Thorn: We shall do so, yes!  
  
Announcer: A tale of action and adventure, it's Star Lores: A New Hope! Balamb Garden is under attack from the evil federation led by Darth Utimecia! Coming this May!  
  
(end of commercial break)  
  
********************************************************************************************************  
  
When we last left, Edgar and Zidane were about to fight a duel.  
  
Edgar: A duel? Sure!   
  
Cait Sith: **grabs a microphone** Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Battle of the Players! In this corner, we have the ladies man of FF IX, the soon-to-be King of Alexandria, the boy with the weirdo tail, here is Zidane Tribal! And over here in this corner, the ladies man of FF VI, the King of Figaro, genius mechanic and technician, here is Edgar Roni Figaro!  
  
**Vincent, Selphie, and Irvine land nearby in the Ragnarok**  
  
Irvine: Hey, how come I wasn't invited to this? I'm suppose to be the player of FF VIII!  
  
Selphie: Oh, shut up Irvine!!!!! You've got me, don't you?!!!!!!  
  
Irvine: Not so loud, Selphie!  
  
Vincent: I, for one, would really like to see how this turns out!  
  
Zidane: Before the duel starts, I'd like to dedicate this match to Garnet here.  
  
Garnet: How romantic! But still, I don't really approve of the whole "player" thing.  
  
Zidane: We'll talk later.  
  
Cait Sith: It's settled! Let's begin the competition!  
  
Vincent: Wait! We're out of time in this episode! Join us next time for the Battle of the Players!  
  
****************  
End of Episode 4  
****************  
  
So, who will win the Battle of the Players? Will it be Zidane? Or will it be Edgar? Oh, it's so hard to decide! They're both high up on the list of my favorite characters! Oh well, just wait till the next chapter! 


End file.
